Dear Son – Chapter 13

I make no apologies but this week has been an emotional rollercoaster. 😊😫😒

I’ve been going through my album and wondering where the heck did time go?!

I literally feel like I just gave birth to you yesterday.

You’re excited because you are officially a teenager.

For you, you translate that to more freedom and having such a badge of honor to have the word β€œteen” at the end of you age.

I’m happy, sad and scared because I feel like I can’t protect you in the same manner that I once have.

You desire more time with your friends, you’re on your phone more and girls πŸ˜©πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ …. I’ll leave that subject alone (for now).

There’s such a fear in raising a young, black son. (We’ll talk about that more in detail) but I’m truly relying on my prayers to keep you.

I’m very proud of the man that you are becoming.

You are such an intelligent, compassionate and well mannered young man.

STAY THAT WAY! ☝🏾

Don’t allow bad influences to change the core of who you are.

The next few years will be filled with many lessons.

You will learn about decisions and how much of an impact that have on your life.

Rely on that inner voice to keep you.

I’m so proud of the YOUNG man you are developing in to.

Happy Birthday Young Prince!

Today I celebrate your very existence.

With deep Love,

Mommy πŸ’›πŸŒ»

Don’t be like β€œAtlas” πŸŒ

There’s a very old building that used to be a Health Spa in Scarsdale, NY.

It was called the European Health Spa.

It’s such an eye sore in such a beautiful town.

Broken Windows

Abandoned

Patched up with Cheap Wood

The building stands tall but alone. πŸ˜”

That was me not long ago.

I was a broken woman. An emotional wreck. Unknowing of who I was or my purpose in life.

I felt abandoned by loved ones and to a certain extent, I abandoned myself. I let myself go and didn’t care about taking care of me (my mental, spiritual and emotional being).

I would patch myself up by finding ways to avoid issues, conflicts and things that really needed to be addressed.

I stood tall and strong to others but felt very much alone & abandoned.

Just like the building.

I passed it as I was driving to my appointment at the European Wax Center in Yonkers and came across this building on Central Park Avenue. (BTW Nel is the absolute BEST Esthetician ever!) Book her @ https://www.waxcenter.com/ny-yonkers

⬆️ (Unpaid Plug – But the more You read my Blogs you’ll learn that I love to celebrate, praise πŸ™ŒπŸΎ & promote others; just because πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ)

This sounds crazy but out of all the business’ on Central Park Avenue ( & there are many); I felt like this building called out to me – as if it wanted to be noticed.

I made a (legal) U-Turn πŸ™ˆ and pulled into the parking lot.

I got out of my car and literally just stared at the building.

I could see what it once was – a beautiful building that probably received a lot of attention. The structure is absolutely stunning and in the front of the building is a statue of Atlas (a Titan God in Greek Mythology).

Just to give you my quick Blip about Atlas. He was at war with Zeus (Greek God) & after his defeat, he was condemned to carry the sky/heavens on his shoulders. πŸ˜” Talk about a harsh punishment.

I remember when I felt like I had the weight of the world 🌍 on my shoulders.

I was so weighed down by my issues ( & there were many). My view of self was so skewed.

I was the beat up & abandoned building. πŸ€•

I can tell you how I got there.

I isolated from my friends, family and God.

I was attending Church β›ͺ, but I was just there as a seat warmer. I didn’t receive anything because I was so blinded by my issues & I wasn’t open to receiving anything.

As time progressed I tried to patch myself up by simply avoiding things that I needed to deal with head on.

Using 4 Christian ✝️ cliche words, I can tell you how I matured into the woman I am now. I learned to “Let Go, & Let God!” Welp, that’s really 5 words but let’s focus on the 4. πŸ˜‰

When you “Let Go”, you stop giving all of your energy to worrying, fretting and stressing a situation or an issue.

When you “Let God”, you invite him in & put all your worries, frets and stresses to him because unlike Atlas – he is strong enough to bare them. ( Don’t believe me?! Read Psalm 55:22 & Matthew 11:28-30)

If Atlas could hand over the weight to someone he would be able to rest.

There are many of you trying to be Atlas … trying to be God

But

You aren’t strong enough to do that

&

You never will be.

Trust Me – I’m speaking from experience. πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

Learn to hand over all of the things that are weighing you down to be handled by God.

Don’t be like the broken and abandoned building 🏚 that everyone passes by.

Allow God to build you up so you can mature and grow into the man πŸ‘¨ / woman πŸ‘© that he called you to be.

YOU & I are a BEAUTIFUL creations carefully crafted by God.

You & I can be built up and restored again.

All you have to do is invite God in & let him do his thing.

Again I say – Trust Me – I’m speaking from experience.

Praying for whoever needs to be restored & believing that you will! πŸ™πŸ½πŸ™ŒπŸΎ

Signed with so much Love & Of Course JOY,

Joyfully Chrissy Lee πŸŒ»πŸ’«

Prayer – Lord, I come before you today on behalf of every Broken person. I ask that you give them the strength to speak up and ask for help from you and wise counsel. May they learn to go to you when they are feeling broken because your word says you will hold their hand and help them. (Isaiah 41:13) I cry out to you Lord and ask you to deliver them out of their troubles. (Psalms 34:17)

Now I thank you and praise you for their healing.

In Jesus Name,

Amen πŸ™πŸ½

The Good Fight πŸ₯Š

Ever watched a Boxing πŸ₯Š Match?

Ever seen the one who seems that they will end up losing because they are beat to a pulp?

Eyes Swollen Closed, Face Beat Up, Blood Dripping Down Their Face.

…. Just looking defeated

Overwhelmed

Beat Up

&

Broken down

Each punch they receive breaks them more and more.

That was me ….. completely beaten down before I decided to make the decision to yield to God and his will for my life.

I allowed the enemy to beat me to a pulp and I must say all of this happened post being saved …. yes that means during my journey with Christ.

This battle occurred after I received Christ in my β™₯️ & after being baptized.

I was fighting his will and consistently attending β›ͺ️, running a women’s group at β›ͺ️, facilitating classes for new Christians and New Church Members ….. yep.

▢️ Sorry to burst your bubble if you believe being a Christian is easy πŸ™ˆ. ◀️

The war was on all while doing work for the kingdom. ✝️

I mean I received a good beating and this beating lasted over a period of time …. days …. months …. heck years to be exact. πŸ€”

It was a never ending tussle between my way and his way.

Blame it on my feelings. Blame it on my flesh. Blame it on my stubbornness. The point of blame is null and void.

On the surface – I looked Good & Poised – as if I was at peace within.

Peace was so foreign to me.

My spirit was restless and unsettled and so was my mind.

That’s how our spirits and minds are when we fight.

Picture The Match

πŸ‘€ –

We have Michael Buffer announcing “On my right, I have Christina’s Will & Way standing tall at 5’8, stubborn and unwilling to yield because she wants to do what she wants to do.

“On my left, we have God’s Will standing Mighty & Strong with Mercy and Grace ready to fight the good fight.

I felt like Drago from Rocky IV was in front of me saying: “I must break you.”

Then He Yells – “Lets get ready to rummmmbbblllleeeeeeeee!” πŸ₯ŠπŸ₯ŠπŸ₯ŠπŸ₯Š

Fast Forward to the end and I’m literally laid out on the floor with a White Flag 🏳 (I know there’s no white flag in boxing but you get what I’m saying). πŸ˜†

I was in total submission. Tired of fighting.

Matthew 6:33 tells us to seek his wills and ways.

Jesus submitted to God’s will, suffered badly but did overcome. πŸ’ͺ🏾

The same goes for us. There is a suffering but we do overcome.

Always remember that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who ❀️ God. (Romans 8:28) πŸ™ŒπŸΎ

So take some advice from me ….. and just yield and let God have his way. 😩

Let him use YOU ….. your personality, your gifts and your talents to help others.

Let him use you for his plan.

& for the control freaks out there; we may not know the specifics of the plan but I’m pretty certain you will be helping those in need.

We weren’t created to just live life for us. We were created to serve and bring Glory to the Father and his Kingdom.

I write to you as a flawed Christian with many blemishes that I have acquired along the way.

I also write to you from experiences….. past and present.

Try living for him …. I’m certain you won’t regret it. πŸ˜‰

Humbled By His Grace & Mercy,

Joyfully Chrissy Lee 🌻

The Joy of the Lord will Always Be My Strength πŸ™ŒπŸΎ

Introverted to a Fault πŸ˜©

I TRULY ENJOY TIME TO MYSELF!!!!

Let me say that again – I truly enjoy time to myself.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with that but I’ve had to advocate that very statement quite often. (I’ll elaborate later on πŸ˜‰)

I believe I actually crave for “time with self.”

My quiet time is so important to my sense of well being.

Now – Let this be known – I enjoy social gatherings and I do pop out of my 🐒 shell from time to time but there’s a sense of peace that I receive when I take some me time.

Announcement ‼️ There was a time where my introverted traits kept me in a low place in life and that’s where the title of this Blog comes in – Introverted to a fault. πŸ˜‘

If you have read my previous Blogs (which if you haven’t; you should & while you’re there just make sure you subscribe πŸ˜‰) – Cheesy Plug – then you would know that I had my bouts with Depression.

Being introverted and being in a depressive state is not a good mix.

Why? (You May ask and even if you didn’t I will explain)

Introverts think πŸ€” often. We can internalize our feelings and moods because we are pretty much inward people. Remember – we like alone time; so imagine alone time mixed in with overthinking and juggling your emotions?! That’s not a healthy blend of soup but I was sipping that lonesome 🍲 for quite some time.

I would have these seasons of low points and when my friends would inquire, I would pull out my “Girl, you know I need my me time!” excuse.

I would use my introverted nature to cover up my depression. Now that I think back at those moments, it was such a dumb thing to do because I truly believe my friends knew I was lying. πŸ€₯

As I am writing this I must say; it truly feels good to be speaking about depression in past tense. It’s been quite a journey and it feels so good to finally be at peace with my many thoughts and emotions.

So I close this Blog with a couple of things.

1. I’m still very much an introvert and I love that I am comfortable being alone to recharge but I am well aware that social interaction is good, healthy and needed. For those who helped me come out of my introverted shell – THANK YOU ☺️

2. Being an introvert and being depressed are two different things but if blended together can be very unhealthy. If you are currently struggling don’t be afraid to tell someone. There are people to help you in your journey of finding peace✌🏾. My help came through expressing my feelings, praying, acknowledging I needed help and then seeking help.

3. There are pros of being introverted. I believe we are very self-aware, thoughtful (because we think too darn much) and we overall learn well through observing ( since we always find a quiet place to pull away lol)

Lastly, it’s been a while since I last Blogged – so to my subscribers which I love so so so much – My sincerest apologies and I will do better. ❀️

Signed with JOY πŸŒ»πŸ’«,

Joyfully Chrissy Lee

P.S. —> For those who need assistance on their journey to having a peace of mind; feel free to check out some good reads about Mental Health Awareness . ⬅️ (Not a paid plug but this definitely helped me) πŸ™‚

Mind Over Mind

August 26th, 2017

7:21am

Kissimmee, FL

The day after Universal Studios – Orlando Florida.

I was pooped.

I walked into the living room …

And there he was;

My handsome, too smart for his own good, silly, loving 10 year old (Now 11 Year Old) was fast asleep.

He was pooped too.

Amusement parks can suck all the energy from you. 😣

I sat down in the bed and just stared at him.

I skipped down the memory lane of motherhood – boy did I have some ups and downs.

I thanked God for blessing me with the “Gift of Motherhood” and asked that he continue to hold my hand along the way.

I dwelled in my positive thoughts and then this mind of mine decided to go left. πŸ˜”

Ugh …. the frustrations of being a thinker. I mean really being a thinker. (As I’m writing this, I’m thinking about work, the political climate in the U.S., losing weight and how to keep myself from eating this Twinkie staring at me.) πŸ’­πŸ’­

END THOUGHT – BACK TO WHERE WE LEFT OFF FROM ☝️🏽

You’re in a nice place of positive thinking and then the negative clouds tries to creep in. 🀐

I replayed some moments where I could have done something differently …. beat myself up because I missed my son’s 1st word and his 1st step because I was at work. I questioned if I work too much. Rationalizing about how I can be a better mother …. And then the big one …. the thought I try to avoid creeps in:

Why didn’t I conceive again after having J.C.?!

Did I put my career 1st?

Why did I go back and forth between wanting to have another?

Why couldn’t I conceive when I tried?!

Am I only meant to have 1 child?!

Have I fulfilled my purpose as a mother of 1?

Ugh …. I hate going there…. emotionally ….. mentally…. that question just drains me.

I dwelled there a little.

Trying to rationalize things that can’t be rationalized in life – not without driving yourself Crazy.

What is wrong with my body?

Why ……

And then a sudden jolt of reality hit me.

Literally.

My son kicked me in my upper thigh as he changed positions in bed.

As I rubbed my thigh, I chuckled and looked up.

“Thank You Lord.” (As a baby πŸ‘ΆπŸΎ, J.C. would kick the heck out of me while he was in my womb.)

I guess he knew I was going down a dark path that would lead me to a pool of sadness in thoughts.

I looked at J.C. and thanked him too.

He has a way of always getting me back to where I need to be. … And this happens all too often. Lol πŸ™ˆ

Mentally… I got back to where I needed to be.

Thanking God for being a mother of 2 – my 1 Biological Child and also my son from my previous marriage who is beginning his 1st year of College in VA.

I thanked God for children – My God Daughter, Step Children, Nieces and Nephews as well as adoptive Children from work – that he placed in my life.

I began to feel more at peace.

The package of motherhood comes in many forms.

Children come in many forms and don’t just have to be yours by D.N.A.

I’m thankful for all that I have and all that I will have in the future.

Sometimes we are in a good place and then let the enemy come in and do a 360 and it starts with our thoughts.

Remain thankful and always try your best to focus on the good.

There are so many miracles in our life if we just meditate on them and stay there; our positive and humble thoughts can keep us in a positive mode for a long time .

Don’t allow the devil to distort your thoughts and take you down a dark path .

Keep your mind in a food place. Keep your thoughts positive.

Ending on a positive note,

Signed with JOY,

Joyfully Chrissy Lee πŸ’«πŸŒ»

Stay Positive. Stay Joyful.

Proverbs 17:22 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

I miss you πŸ˜’

Grieving sucks ….. Grieving a loved one sucks more.

The setting is Saint Joseph’s Hospital Emergency Room.

Loved ones surround each other crying, grieving, trying to find the best way to cope.

But what is the best way to cope? How the hell do you cope with losing someone you just saw?! Someone you just talked to?! No one was prepared?

Ugh …. the surprises in life that leave you feeling like it just smacked the crap out of you.

As I was in the emergency room … I saw many others …. many living others. Some had wounds that needed to be attended to. Some were weak and needed rest and medicine to get them to a better place. Their families and friends were there to help see them through.

That wasn’t the same story for us. A mother, brothers, sisters, a niece and friends all gathered around in that dark hospital room crying and consoling each other because unlike the other patients…. you weren’t leaving.

We cried tears that could fill an ocean. It just sucks knowing you wouldn’t be leaving the hospital like the others.

Damn …. Life is just so flipping unfair.

Through tears I had to fight off anger to things I didn’t and don’t understand.

The infamous question of “Why” has no reason to entertain other than burying me in a deep level of philosophical insanity and depression.

Ugh …. I want to scream. Punch something or someone. Tell the other person in the hospital bed … “man up …. you are walking out if here today…..”

But

That would be unkind. Un-Compassionate.

So I remained silent.

I spent my last few minutes in the hospital room with your youngest sister as they removed your personal belongings …. Dag … you have a whole lot of jewelry . LOL

The Nurses were undressing you and were waiting to place you in that stupid plastic bag with the stupid zipper down the middle.

One of them was singing. He was new on the job and told me he needed to sing because he was sad. His singing gave me comfort.

I looked at you laying on the table. Your dreads were so long they were hanging to the floor.

I held your hand ….. it was still warm …. and then I looked at you.

You looked like you were sleeping. You looked like you were at peace …..

And then

I saw the most beautiful thing.

A single Caterpillar laying on your hair. It was cute and fuzzy and seemed like it found a beautiful resting place …. You.

I knew it was symbolic and I googled the meaning of a Caterpillar.

This is what I found: A caterpillar symbolizes a great change. They go into a cocoon stage and then morph into something different – A Beautiful Butterfly. πŸ¦‹

Then it hit me and I was overwhelmed by God’s peace.

Donnita my love, you are in your cocoon stage …. sleeping …. resting and soon to be with our Creator.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my eyes on the bathroom floor …. I rest in God’s peace …. knowing you will be …. knowing you are in a better place.

I love you.

I miss you.

Til we meet again.

Love,

Christina

P.S. Thank You for loving me, understanding me and always treating me with love …. In Spite of. ❀

Brown BoyΒ 

Intelligent

Strong

Sweet

Loving

Leader in the making

Brown Boy

… you are ALL those things and more.

A King amongst all things ….

Brown Boy ….. You are love. ❀

I look at you and I see strength passed down from our ancestors.

Society may see different.

Some may see you as a threat ….

Some may see you as a person with no ambition because of the tint of your skin.

Some may have statistically predicted your future with a negative ending because of the tint of your skin.

But Baby …. You are a Renaissance in the making.

Continue to inquire why things are the way they are. Don’t be afraid to speak out when things are wrong. Don’t allow them to paint a picture of who you are not …. Continue to stroke the brush to the beat of your own drum.

Brown Boy …. Paint a Picture to be admired by all in all your “Brownness.”

There is GREATNESS with in you.

Brown Boy …… Continue to be Great in ALL you do.

Embrace the tint of your skin because it is indeed a beautiful one. Show the world Brown is something to admire.

Signed,

Your Beautiful Brown Mother 😘

Joyfully Chrissy Lee πŸ’«πŸŒ»

A Letter to My Son β€

Dear J.C.,
I am flawed in many ways baby. I am imperfect, made a whole lot of mistakes in life, still learning and growing to be a better person all while being your mother. 

You see, once the clock (⏰) of motherhood started ticking on December 1st, 2006, it will continue to tick, until the end of time. So you have this woman who is still on a journey of learning as Mommy for life.

While pregnant at the young age of 21, I thought about what kind of mother I would be to you. I had some training of caring for a baby when my mother gave birth to your Uncle when I was 16 but that wasn’t motherhood. 
I have my Mom and Grandma to glean on, I have books I could read, I have my Auntie Dianne & your Auntie Chrissy, Auntie Lauren or Auntie Tiara who are phenomenal mothers but sometimes I still feel lost.

Sometimes I have my “Christina, what the heck are you doing?” moments. πŸ™‡πŸ™…

Yes J.C., sometimes Mommy is just lost on this adventure of Motherhood.😣

There is no real handbook for raising you kiddo; at least I thought there wasn’t.  

You see that book that you are holding in the picture above; that Good Book which many call the Bible is my go to for life’s answers including motherhood. 

When I am lost, confused, need answers about anything ….including motherhood, I search it for answers. 

My desire is for you to do the same. Yes, you will have friends and family members to guide you along the way, but you will get to a point where you need more than advice…. you need wisdom, and my dear son, The Bible has all the wisdom, knowledge and answers you need.

I may fail you baby. Mommy doesn’t have all the answers. I’m still learning along the way, but I promise to do my very best with you. 

You will excel in all things because you have a praying Mother. 

You will escape some of life’s pitfalls because you have a praying Mother.

You will get through some very difficult moments in your life, because Mommy knows how to apply the word of God to your life …. teaching you to do the same.

I love you with all of my being Jonathan Christian. You my Love, give me so much Joy. 

I enjoy our talks. I enjoy our silly moments of dancing around the house. I enjoy your many questions about whatever pops up in your head. You have made life so enjoyable and I thank God for you. 

I want you to pursue your hearts desires. Nothing is too big for you to achieve. I will push you to do your very best and probably annoy you along the way 

But

Everything I do, will be because I love you and want the very best for you. 

Signed with Joy & Love,

Mommy ❀

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