I miss you 😢

Grieving sucks ….. Grieving a loved one sucks more.

The setting is Saint Joseph’s Hospital Emergency Room.

Loved ones surround each other crying, grieving, trying to find the best way to cope.

But what is the best way to cope? How the hell do you cope with losing someone you just saw?! Someone you just talked to?! No one was prepared?

Ugh …. the surprises in life that leave you feeling like it just smacked the crap out of you.

As I was in the emergency room … I saw many others …. many living others. Some had wounds that needed to be attended to. Some were weak and needed rest and medicine to get them to a better place. Their families and friends were there to help see them through.

That wasn’t the same story for us. A mother, brothers, sisters, a niece and friends all gathered around in that dark hospital room crying and consoling each other because unlike the other patients…. you weren’t leaving.

We cried tears that could fill an ocean. It just sucks knowing you wouldn’t be leaving the hospital like the others.

Damn …. Life is just so flipping unfair.

Through tears I had to fight off anger to things I didn’t and don’t understand.

The infamous question of “Why” has no reason to entertain other than burying me in a deep level of philosophical insanity and depression.

Ugh …. I want to scream. Punch something or someone. Tell the other person in the hospital bed … “man up …. you are walking out if here today…..”

But

That would be unkind. Un-Compassionate.

So I remained silent.

I spent my last few minutes in the hospital room with your youngest sister as they removed your personal belongings …. Dag … you have a whole lot of jewelry . LOL

The Nurses were undressing you and were waiting to place you in that stupid plastic bag with the stupid zipper down the middle.

One of them was singing. He was new on the job and told me he needed to sing because he was sad. His singing gave me comfort.

I looked at you laying on the table. Your dreads were so long they were hanging to the floor.

I held your hand ….. it was still warm …. and then I looked at you.

You looked like you were sleeping. You looked like you were at peace …..

And then

I saw the most beautiful thing.

A single Caterpillar laying on your hair. It was cute and fuzzy and seemed like it found a beautiful resting place …. You.

I knew it was symbolic and I googled the meaning of a Caterpillar.

This is what I found: A caterpillar symbolizes a great change. They go into a cocoon stage and then morph into something different – A Beautiful Butterfly. 🦋

Then it hit me and I was overwhelmed by God’s peace.

Donnita my love, you are in your cocoon stage …. sleeping …. resting and soon to be with our Creator.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my eyes on the bathroom floor …. I rest in God’s peace …. knowing you will be …. knowing you are in a better place.

I love you.

I miss you.

Til we meet again.

Love,

Christina

P.S. Thank You for loving me, understanding me and always treating me with love …. In Spite of. ❤

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