Slow Suicide

Matthew 5:44 King James Version (KJV)

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

The answer can be found in the picture and the picture is as clear as day. My life consisted of a constant battle of Christina VS Christina. There were some days where  I felt pretty good about “self,” but most days consisted of being my own worst enemy.

One day I was reading the word and fell upon the scripture quoted above. I’ve read the scripture several times, but this one time it hit home. I AM MY OWN ENEMY! I don’t love “self”, I constantly curse “self”, and I definitely persecute “self.”

Self Condemnation was my little black dress and I wore it well. I would look in the mirror and hate my reflection . . . literally. I saw an imperfect vessel. I guess I would say I had atelophobia which is a fear of imperfection and having a feeling of never being good enough. Yep! That was pretty much me in a nutshell.

I was so hard on myself in every aspect of my life. Should of, would of, could of were some of my favorite words. I reflected, meditated on and analyzed every decision in my life, and if you leave it up to me; there wasn’t a good decision that came out of me. I could write a book about my bad decisions. . .  well a couple of books. Coming to Amazon.com near you in late 2017. 🙂 LOL

I would criticize the way I spoke, my voice (and how I slightly stutter when I’m nervous or upset), my height, my looks, the fact that it took me forever to get an Associates and then a Bachelors’ degree. The fact that I don’t have my Masters (yet . . .  wink wink). I would beat myself up for bad financial decisions (I should be a home owner already; as a matter of fact I should own 2 or 3 homes). I definitely made poor choices when it came to relationships (friendships and relationships with men).

Self Hate . . . Self Condemnation is torture and is a slow suicide. Every criticism of self was another stab to my insides. I was “killing myself softly” with words that were very detrimental to me. Instead of speaking life; I was speaking death (Proverbs 18:21) and I was doing so consistently.

I fought the battle of Christina VS Christina for many years until; one day . . .  I made a decision that enough is enough. Tired of swimming in a pool of my own blood; I decided to pick myself up and start speaking life into EVERY ASPECT of my life. I had to realize that I have been created by a famous Artist and I am every bit of a MASTERPIECE.

Once I made the decision, and stuck by it by adopting some accountability sisters and brothers (people who will keep you from going backwards), I started doing okay.

BTW . . .  being an introvert and sucking up some isolation sun was not a good thing for me either. Isolation led to my depression but I will talk about that in another one of my blog’s, at a later time. 😉

NOW BACK TO WHERE I WAS  . . .

After I started speaking life into my once enemy . . . I became my biggest lover and self love is the BEST love. I wont sit here and say that at times I don’t go back . . .  Heck I just cried last night after my 2nd FB Live Post because I know within self that I could have done better BUT the difference now vs then is I can see positives. I can say, Christina . . .  you messed that one up but you’ll do better next time because you are excellent in every way. 😉

Maybe one of YOU reading this will make a decision TODAY to stop being your own worst enemy. Maybe one of YOU reading this will learn to love self so that you do not have to endure the emotional torture that I put myself through. Maybe some of YOU reading this will just Dare …. Just Dare to start believing that YOU ARE EXCELLENT just the way you are. And MAYBE …. JUST MAYBE  you will remember to LOVE YOURSELF 1st always!

Signed with JOY,

JOYFULLY CHRISSY LEE